Autobiography March 27, 2008

I just completed the first chapter of my first book of “creative non-fiction” and I am really, really afraid that it will not be funny enough.  That’s my one criterion for success.  I can deal with problems with flow or lack of description, but if I don’t get at least one laugh, I am going to throw in the towel.  It’s titled “Never Date the Man You Married” and it is about the time that I married someone for fun, then ended up dating them three years later and now we don’t speak at all, so there is a lot of comedy potential.  I just hope that I can achieve it.  When I get brave, and have time to edit, maybe I will post chapters here. 

Prosody March 5, 2008

Today, during my 301 class, we were discussing possible paper topics.  The rest of the class was learning how to search for articles in online journals and since looking up things in journals is a significant part of my job I didn’t feel compelled to pay much attention.  Instead, I was brainstorming and I wrote down “differences in scansion between English and Russian poetry.”  This made me instantly happy, for some reason.  The Russian part isn’t confusing, I went into English with a focus on Russian literature in mind, but the poetry?  That is confusing.  Up until this semester, I have been part of the “fuck poetry” camp of English majors, and now, all of a sudden, I am thinking of dedicating hours to figuring out the subtle differences between English and Russian meter?  huh. 

Experiment: failure; life: still going on March 5, 2008

In the grand tradition of failed life experiments, I have given up being vegan.  I still believe that in theory it was the healthiest choice for me, but in practice it left a lot lacking.  I just feel that it was not a good fit for my lifestyle.  I feel some need to justify the decision, to show that it is not some personal failing of self-control but that I made a conscious decision to try out another, vegetarian diet.   Since getting the job on campus, I am routinely here for nine hours a day and for 13-14 on some days.  I eat in the cafeteria where there are precisely two vegan options.  One, french fries, is cheap and the other, a rice bowl, is $5.  Naturally, because I work at a library where the pay is less than stellar, I was choosing fries every day.  One order of fries in thirteen hours was little enough food that I nearly went into an Addisonian Crisis on several occasions.  (translation: if I don’t eat enough food and I get stressed at all I will faint like an heirloom goat)    I know that I should plan ahead.  I know that I should have my own snacks available.  All I can say to this is that, with 18 credits, I have enough to plan for and I was profoundly unsuccessful at planning any meals.  I can make sure that I have a few dollars for lunch, but there is no way that I am ever going to be able to put together a meal before I leave the house at 7:30 am. So, there it is.  I have welcomed dairy back into my life, and I am no worse for the wear.  My ego is a little touchy, but she is getting used to it and finding other was to define herself.   

Prozac Dreams February 25, 2008

I had this dream the other night, typically scary, lost my clothes and was being chased.  Near the end of the dream, I walked up to the person that I was running from and told them that they were going to go get my clothes.  They denied that they would and I said “fuck you, this is my dream and you are going to do what I say you are going to do.”  He then turned around, went outside and got me my clothes, and then I woke up.  This is the first time that I have ever had control of my dreams, especially my nightmares, so I asked the Internet what it thought was going on and it turns out that fluoxetine can make you have lucid dreams.  I think that this is really, really cool because I have nightmares pretty much nightly and being able to control them makes me feel a lot more in control of my life in general.   I wish I would have known that I could control dreams when I had the raw-ground-beef-on-all-the-vegetables-at-work dream the other night, because that was less scary and more barfy and I thought that I still worked at the shitty restaurant that I quit over a month ago.  I would really have liked to have been able to do something about that one.

Finally, a change for the better. February 24, 2008

This week has been a good week.  I got my papers back, and they had very encouraging comments on them; next time I write I think I will be a lot more confident and not be so likely to be paralyzed by my fear of failure and my newly discovered perfectionism.

 

The new job is coming along well. I am settled into my desk and into a project that, while it is not all that stimulating intellectually, allows me to listen to my music and look out the window at passers-by.

 

I went out on Friday night, for the first time in weeks.  I talked to loud, laughed too much, smoked a few cigarettes and just generally had a good time with people that I love.  A friend of mine took me out to dinner, bought me micro-brewed beer and then sent me to our favorite bar with his credit card to open a tab, thus guaranteeing that he would come hang out later.  He eventually showed up, with a drunk friend and his underage cousin and we proceeded to get exceedingly drunk.  (Did I mention that my “date” for the night was my soon-to-be ex-brother-in-law?  So I guess he came with his drunk friend and my cousin-in-law.)  Then he left with one of my friends, to walk home eating leftover Greek food and decide whether they want to be together.  I went home with the drunk friend, already giving him shit about him doing the walk of shame the next morning.  He insisted that he was a stay-for-breakfaster.  He wasn’t.  I woke up, naked and alone, and laughed when I did the search for the obligatory note and it wasn’t there.  He obviously wasn’t lying about the fact that he doesn’t do this often.  And oh man, is it going to be funny when we see each other again, so much funnier than it was after the time that I bailed him out of jail.

 

The next morning, I talked to a few of my friends that I had been out with the night before and we decided to go to breakfast at Jumbo’s, which is one of my favorite breakfast spots from my pre-vegan days.  I got the hash browns, which were excellent, and the waffle which probably had an egg in it, but I was operating under the don’t ask, don’t tell policy necessitated by my hangover, which was not insignificant.  At the restaurant I was informed that there was a mini-dreadlock in the back of my hair that I had neglected to deal with.  It embarrassed my companions more than it embarrassed me.  We drove through some pleasant country towns and talked and laughed and I remembered why I love these girls. 

 

Life seems to be getting good again, and I am naturally searching for a reason.  It comes down to one or all of the following things:  the eclipse/earthquake combination fundamentally changed the energy surrounding my life, it is almost spring and thus my SAD is calming down, my prozac is finally working or I finally made a good decision and I feel like I am actually going somewhere.

 

Oh, and I joined a band.  We are going to dress in costume and play original music and I am on vocals and the kick drum/hand cymbals!  We are going to wear masks!  It’s already awesome and it hasn’t even happened yet!

post-job celebration February 14, 2008

Well, the celebration did not go as planned.  It pretty much stalled out when I got halfway through the stroganoff and realized that something had gone horribly, horribly wrong at some point in the cooking process.  Instead, I just threw some tomatoes and green peppers on top of the whole wheat pasta and added some Annie’s Asian Sesame Vinaigrette and black olives, called it Pasta Salad and ate it while watching 3:10 to Yuma. I thought that when I went vegan, I would start cooking for hours every day and become some sort of all-star in the kitchen.  This has not, in reality, been the case.  I have just changed the five things that I make for myself on a regular basis. (generally, they are things that have the words “pasta and” in the title of the dish.)  I haven’t gotten any healthier, foodwise.  I have stopped smoking and drinking (aside from last saturday, when I got wasted and smoked a pack of cigarettes.  I was so hung over on Saturday morning that I just crawled to the edge of the bed and threw up on the floor because I couldn’t deal with the idea of getting up and going to the bathroom.  classy, that’s me.).  I haven’t lost any significant amount of weight.  I haven’t gotten sick.  The cravings have slowed down and I no longer feel like I am going to kill someone if I don’t get the exact french fries that I am craving at any given moment.  All in all, I don’t know if I am winning at life or losing, but it seems to be working out okay. 

I got the job! February 13, 2008

I got a job today, at the school library.  It’s the first non-customer service job I have had….  ever.  Unless you count that one summer counting plants and the month or two in the pharmacy lab.  Which amounts to about three months out of a ten plus year period. I am really, really happy about it.  I haven’t been this happy about minimum wage in a long time.  It’s in the building next to the one that all of my classes are in, and it will leave all of my evenings free because the office that I will be working in actually closes at five.  (another first)  It’s like a school job and a grown up job all rolled into one. Tonight, I think I will celebrate by making some fanny packs for etsy.  And I will make myself some kind of cupcakes from Vegan Cupcakes Take Over the World.  And some vegan Stroganoff from VWAV.  It will be vegan-tastic! 

Listed! February 11, 2008

The purses are officially up.  Well, it only shows one, but I really have two, so there will be another one tomorrow! 

 

www.jolielaide.etsy.com

 

 I am really, really excited at the prospect of being able to pay my bills this month.

dealing with cravings February 8, 2008

It is the end of another school week and the beginning of a weekend of work.  I need to get 13 more hours in before Sunday in order to meet the schedule that I made for myself.  I also have two papers due at the beginning of next week and two tests on Tuesday.  All work and no play, indeed.

It has been more than ten days since I had a cigarette.  I really wanted one today.  Really, really wanted one.  These are the cravings that I remember.  These are the cravings that make that woman that lives inside my head start screaming and screaming for days on end.  That woman is what makes me want to smoke again.  There is an alarming lack of motivational information on the internet for people that just quit smoking.  I know that it’s healthy, I know that my circulation will get better; now will someone please convince me that I am going to live through it?! 

            Aside from whining about quitting smoking, everything else seems to be going well.  I am feeling very healthy, aside from the fact that I am drinking soda like it is going out of style.  I was able to get a full vegan lunch on campus today, complete with two spring rolls (the lunch counter guy informed me: “if they had eggs in them, they would be egg rolls) and I took a long walk after lunch.  I am at home and warm and thinking about drinking one of the beers that has been sitting in my fridge for nine months. 

            All in all this being a non-smoking, non-drinking vegan is awesome.  And by “awesome” I mean, I would give it all up for just one drag of a goddamn cigarette.

New bags! February 4, 2008

I just finished my first purse to be sold on Etsy.  It is in the corner next to the sewing room right now, waiting for a few hours so that I can quality check it before it is listed tomorrow morning.  I am finding it hard to accept the flaws inherent in handmade goods; although I know that it is well-made and I provide a guarantee with all of my purses. I am really excited that it is finished, because now I can make all of the bags that I have been designing and finally see them in person before I ship them off to someone that will love them!I will link to the store tomorrow.