Thoughts as I walked up to the dormitory:
“I am so glad I don’t have a roommate yet. I am pretty sure that they won’t give me one now”… “wait, I am sure I left the blinds closed and I never open that window”…. “Fuck!”
It has been a tough week. Crying and not leaving my dorm room for days on end tough. Mood swings like I am sixteen again tough. Histrionic I hate this country I want to go home type stuff. Luckily, going home is a pain in the ass, so I won’t be making any snap decisions on that front. Especially since I am rapidly running out of money, and plane tickets to the US aren’t cheap. Luckily for you I put off writing this until I was in a little better place emotionally, so I won’t feel obligated to tell you in excruciating detail the many things that pissed me off this week. It basically went like this: everything was good until Friday. The day that we had planned to have Thanksgiving in the dorm. We bought a goose and everything. Then, I went to the administrator to make sure that it would be okay to have a Thanksgiving dinner. I tried as hard as I could in my broken Russian to indicate how important this was to me. The answer was a resounding no. Not only no, but if anything happened, it would be reported to the University. Cue crying. Then I walked past a mail slip with my name on it, telling me that I must pay 90 Litas before I can pick up the package I have been waiting for since I arrived. Cue hysterical, I-can’t-breathe girl movie sobbing. This lasted for an hour or so, pretty much until I had to pull myself together for a coffee with a person that was to be very important to a local nonprofit that I am trying to set up. The coffee went well, the project is on track, and I am pretty sure that I came off as a professional rather than a person that cries because she gets her Thanksgiving taken away. The meeting ended at 4 or so, which should have given me enough time to get home, transfer money, pull money out of the ATM and get to the post office by five, right? HA! I took the wrong bus, ended up across town, finally returning to the dorm completely defeated at 5:10. One of the people I was supposed to have Thanksgiving with came down, took the goose, and went back upstairs. Apparently Thanksgiving went off without a hitch. I wouldn’t know, because I was too emotionally destroyed to leave my room. Some good friends visited, though, and that made me feel a little better.
Next morning, I woke up late, transferred money, and went to leave the dorm but I was stopped by the woman at reception. She kept telling me in Lithuanian about the kitchen on the third floor. I kept insisting that I wasn’t there. She dragged in a woman from my floor and had her translate in Russian. Apparently the party was still registered to my room with the university and there was a mess that I needed to take care of. Cue yelling and more hysterical crying. (and a nice hug from my favorite administrator) The perfect time for someone who was actually there to walk up, and get angry with me because I was upset that I was being yelled at for a party that I wasn’t at for a holiday that is only important to Americans that I was told I couldn’t throw. So that’s nice. Good thing I was on a mission to get my boots and my blanket out of hock, so I didn’t have a lot of time to care how anyone felt about me at that point in time. I am still having a hard time giving a shit, if we are being honest, even though if I think about it really hard my feelings are a little hurt.
So! Basically, I spent the weekend hysterical or nearly so and avoided pretty much every other human being that I could. This is maybe not the most mature strategy, but it did help me to get a paper written and a couple of others started. I also took up drinking tea, with a vengeance. And I ate SO MUCH mac and cheese. I can’t believe how orange it is, and how unbelievably delicious.
The rest of the week was good, classes went well, I went to the Yiddish reading circle and I can confidently say that I could pick out the word for Vilnius if you held a gun to my head. I was able to understand most of what the administrator told me even though she refused to speak slowly in Russian and I spent half of the discussion panicking and crying like a little bitch. I might have found an apartment to live in for the next semester so I don’t have to put up with the dorm bullshit. I got a haircut that kicks ass (hairdressers here actually listen when you ask them not to layer your hair). I bought my ticket for Germany (Ryanair, 17.50 LTL) so I will get to see some of my people over the holidays, hopefully leading me not to panic about Christmas like I did about Thanksgiving.
Tonight, I am listening to a Czech folk musician and drinking tea like it’s my job. I am not making a lot of progress on my papers, but I did learn the Russian word for subway token, so that is good, right? I also stitched some patches onto my jeans, so I will be able to put off trying to buy new ones until I actually have money again.
Have I told you how totally unstylish bootleg jeans are here? No one wears them. Pretty much no one wears clothes like mine in general (Danskos, anyone?), but I see some people representing with cardigans and scarves…. no one with the bootleg jeans, though. I really don’t want to put my fat ass into skinny jeans, but I get the feeling it is going to happen come clothes-shopping time, because there is literally nothing else available.
Finally, I will end with a question: is it possible to have your hair get darker as you get older, like going gray, but with black hair? I have pulled like five black hairs out of my head this week, and because I am having a crisis about being in my late twenties I am assuming that it is age-related. Am I being insane, or does this shit happen?
Things I bought this week that I shouldn’t have spent so much money on but they are so useful that they make me wish I would have bought them the first week:
- Russian review kit
- electric kettle
- Nivea face cream (seriously, it’s that awesome)
I also bought myself an amber ring and earrings for my birthday, but they don’t really count as useful. They are pretty, though!
My first birthday away from home was super good, I got to spend the entire day with friends. I went to breakfast and had cake with Frauke right after work, then I went to Tres Mexicanos with Monika for lunch/dinner and I went to get drinks with Helene at Šnekutis, where we were joined by the boys who brought me a cake! Even when I was being dragged through the streets of Old Town by Ida and Laszlo, I have to admit that I felt really loved and appreciated, and that’s what I really needed for my birthday.
Right now I am looking at the plants that I got as gifts, and they make me so happy because I love plants, but I never think to buy them for myself. Isn’t that what makes a perfect gift? Thanks, ladies.
I read an article this week about the old adage “wherever you go, there you are” that was geared toward people who travel in order to avoid their problems. I hadn’t thought that I was doing that until I started to repeat my old self-destructive patterns in my life here. It’s like I thought that they would magically go away, that I could avoid my medication or drink without compunction and they wouldn’t resurface. I was wrong. The article helped me see that I have to spend some time introspectively and really think about what I want to get out of this experience in order to break those patterns and grow as a person. Hopefully this realization will help me to get more out of my time in Lithuania.
In other, more uplifting news: I have already started my papers for all of my classes, even though they aren’t due for more than a month! Take that, procrastination! I stayed home from Tallinn this weekend because I am broke I wanted to work on my papers, and I think that they are really coming along. I think I will also stay home from Minsk so that I can be successful in my classes; I can always go later, when I have more money for travel.
I have been looking for CELTA programs after I am finished in Vilnius, and none of the programs that I want to attend start in July. I suppose that I could start them earlier, but that would make for a really short semester for me. That, and it totally conflicts with the Vilnius Yiddish Institute, which would probably be super interesting. Oh, I am so terrible at making plans, especially when all of these fascinating opportunities keep presenting themselves to me.
I just got back from Klaipėda. It was really fun, I got to see the Baltic Sea, was as silly as possible (man, does being silly make me miss my girls!), stayed in a super crappy hostel and drank just the right amount to have maximum fun and avoid having a killer hangover. I took some pictures, they should be up on my flickr in an hour or two.
That was yesterday. Today, I realized just how much I am bad at handling tension between people, and that maybe I should be a little more careful about managing my depression. Generally, I just take an “along for the ride” role in social situations because it limits the tension, makes my life easier, it’s almost always fun and I don’t have to worry about being left behind. Today, my strategy failed. I ended up being surrounded by animosity (or that’s how I felt, more about that later) and I was trying to field complaints and make people feel better, and basically ended up so tense that the stresspuking reaction was very near to becoming a part of my life again. I don’t even think anyone was that mad, but because I was feeling all anger-spongy I didn’t know what to do with it. I just internalized everything, something that I know I shouldn’t do, because the only feelings that I am really responsible for are my own, and there is little I can do to make people feel any differently than they do.
That brings us to the depression part of this situation. I am depressed, as in clinically, my brain doesn’t regulate its chemicals properly and I have to take medication to function normally depressed. It’s just how I am. People are welcome to their opinions about medication and depression, I stopped justifying my choice to take medication a long time ago. The last month or so, I have been terrible about keeping up on my medication. Two here, one there, most days none. And, like always happens when I am not particularly careful about this, things have started getting harder in my life little by little and I don’t notice until I find myself unable to go to the kitchen to cook, or to listen to people complain about each other and not want to just run away. That’s where I was today. Nervous, socially anxious, feeling pretty bad in general and then dealing with people’s subtle hostility just really made me sad, and knowing that it’s my fault that I feel this way because I haven’t been taking care of myself doesn’t make it any easier. It’s situations like this where I really miss my friends, my family, because they know that I am crazy and they also know how to help me when I get like this, and I don’t have to worry about how they will see me… because they have already seen me in every possible situation and they like me anyway.
I am almost done whining, after I tell you about how I came home tonight and MY BATHROOM IS BROKEN. Imagine having social anxiety and then being denied your semi-private bathroom by a note that tells you to use the one in the other wing. The one that you don’t even really know where it is. It’s awesome, really. Oh, and then on the walk to the small store my iPod decided that it wanted to only work at full volume, so it’s essentially useless unless I want to get a brain aneurysm from Chris Smither played at 11.
So! Klaipėda, right? It’s a little town on the Baltic coast, one that I have wanted to see since I got here. I made the trip with a bunch of German people and one other person that knows German. I was the only person that didn’t speak German (thanks, American educational system! way to be so insular and make me the only monoglot in Lithuania!) and I felt pretty bad that they were forced to speak English just because I was there when they seemed to be a lot more comfortable speaking German. Fun fact: the Klaipėda part of Lithuania used to belong to Germany, so lots of the houses and businesses and people speak German there still. Interesting place, this Lithuania.
We walked the sand dunes, stood in the rain, took some silly pictures, stood in the rain…. It was awesome. Then we decided to walk to the Baltic, so I got to see the ocean (or the sea, does that count as the ocean? It’s all the same thing, right?) and we walked the beach to the stern warning sign that indicates that you are entering the Russian border control zone. Then we took some silly pictures, and L moved the border a few feet in the process. We took the ferry back penguin-style and spent the evening in Klaipėda.
Lithuania still makes me super happy, I mean, where else would I do things like this? I also really appreciate the fact that it makes me question my reactions and interactions in a lot of situations that I would never, ever find myself in back in Idaho. Maybe being a little bit unsafe emotionally is a good thing, even if it makes me really, really miss the safety net that I left.
For my two month anniversary in Vilnius, you get a listing post, because there is too much inside my brain to make a coherent narrative out of it. It will be not at all chronological, and it might get wordy. Ready? Let’s go.
- I have been to three of four capitals of Lithuania: Vilnius, Kaunas, Avalyne (maybe, I forget what it is actually called) Kernave (thanks to Eugene for setting me straight) which is a UNESCO World Heritage Site. The site itself is where someone (Gediminas, Vytautas?) had their castle way back in the middle ages. It’s basically some hills with stairs on them (and the UNESCO folks totally should have gotten my Dad to build their stairs because their stairs SUCKED) It was pretty. It was historical.
- I saw a Husky-dragging-a-bicycle race, or rather the end of one. It was like dog sledding but with bicycles and scooters. In the forest.
- L. asked an old woman who was milking a cow if he could buy some milk, and she said that she wasn’t a store. So after the other old lady ran (literally) to the house to get a jar and some cheesecloth to strain the milk for him, she flat refused to take the money. So he shoved it in her hand, and we ran. We thought that we had gotten to pay her, but we found out just how stubborn Lithuanian women can be when she CHASED US DOWN IN HER CAR and made me take the 10 Litas back.
- There was a party in the dorm, and we were roundly chewed out by the Babushka for not gaining prior approval (she was yelling, B was translating). then we stormed a birthday party with thirty people, and sang happy birthday to someone who only two of the people knew. Then… we DANCED. At a club. I went clubbing in Eastern Europe. It was a lot like dancing in the United States, but Europeans are totally more into dancing for fun rather than for funny.
- I am pretty sure that I passed my Lithuanian test.
- I am still not entirely sure what any of my papers are going to be on, but I am working on it. I also just remembered that I have a paper for ISU, so that should be fun.
- One week until I am going to start using my Russian as much as possible in my daily life (not just when I am two beers into a night on the town)
- I had my first experience with a person giving me shit for being an American. He walked up to us at the bus stop and, after mumbling unintelligibly for a while, asked what we were doing there. I told him we were waiting for the bus (I wish I could stop being so literal, but alas), to which he asked me if we were going to Iraq or Kuwait. Naturally, I told him Kuwait. Then M. interrupted and told him that we are not Americans, which led to some shit about how he must support the US because his government supports the war. Then, he finally took a survey of our nationalities. I told him I was Canadian. That cheered him up, because he loves Canadians, and then our bus came. Big thanks to L. and M. for encouraging me to lie our way out of a situation instead of egging the drunk guy on, and being ready with a soup can and an umbrella if it would have gotten to that point.
- Two people told me I am beautiful yesterday, and even though one of them was very, very drunk and the other one was trying to get out of a situation I’LL TAKE IT. Because being in the “land of the beautiful ladies” is hard on a big girl’s self-esteem, a little.
- Oh, speaking of being a big girl, I have totally lost weight even though I am surviving almost entirely on fried food, pasta, and various kinds of chocolate. Sometimes yogurt. It’s nice. If I were making more intelligent food choices, it would probably be going faster, but I am choosing to not care about my fat ass in the hopes that if I ignore it it will go away.
This weekend was pretty much everything I expected, plus about 1000 percent more laughter. On Friday, I went to a Klezmer concert with B. that turned out to be more of a world-music jam band that was occasionally klezmerish. They used a rain stick in their song about the Tsunami. Yep. So, afterwards we went on a pub crawl and I got very nearly Sunday drunk, but somehow managed to hold it together. I found out that I think I can speak Russian after a liter of beer, so that’s nice. for me, at least.
Then, Saturday was L.’s big chess tournament (or maybe small, I really know nothing about chess tournaments) in Kaunas, so we went there to cheer him on and see the sights. Somehow we managed to miss him at the tournament, but we saw some old men playing some very fast games. We also went to an Orthodox church (apparently repainted so it’s not so nice, but I thought it was really pretty). The oil paintings on the wall were pretty brutal, I don’t think I will ever understand the compulsion to paint your god as being totally destroyed. Pretty, though, I promise. Then to the top of a Mormon modern church to see the city of Kaunas. It reminds me more of Pocatello than Vilnius, it’s a lot more working class, I think. I also learned why factories have courtyards instead of being one big building (the bricks can’t hold their shit together) and that Renault made some cars out of plastic.
Next was the Devil Museum, which houses the collection of devils that once belonged to some famous Lithuanian painter (or something. he was some sort of artist, and I think there is a K in his name). Pretty interesting the ways in which different cultures portray the devil. I was mostly shocked because everyone seems to pretty much be working on the same basic premises for the devil, but there are differences that make each portrayal unique. My favorite, I think, were the ones that were carved out of pieces of driftwood, they had an organic quality that made them somehow more convincing for me.
Then, more walking, more walking, picked up L., got coffee, got scolded for sort of freaking out because I got to pet a dog, took the train back and went to the other Šnekutis. We sat in the basement where it was cooold, not so friendly as my favorite Šnekutis and they did something seriously wrong to B.’s beer. I can’t remember who told me that I would like the other one better, but they lied. Convinced I was truly going to have a one-beer night, we started home, but then got waylaid by some Italians with couscous. Delicious, delicious couscous. and wine. and nice people. Very nice apartment, too, I am jealous but also glad that I don’t have to pay what she does. Finally, we went home. I had designs on staying, but L. said please and promised that we would be back early (ha!) so I went out again. This time to the foosball club, and I got to suck at Foosball in front of some new people. I got to sleep at 3.00, that counts as early, right?
Yesterday, all I did was homework (see guys, I am studying sometimes!) and went out to I don’t even remember what bar for one beer. Oh yeah, Pogo. It’s nice, and apparently they have open mic on Wednesdays.
Next weekend: Klaipėda or a party at the US Embassy. This week, homework and finish my grant proposal so that I can have it in by next week.
It snowed today. Well, not so much snow as rain that was a little frozen, but still wet enough to make it seem like you are taking a long, cold shower with all of your clothes on. Survival is almost guaranteed, though, because the powers that be saw fit to turn on the heat all over town! Right now I am cozied up to a heater in the library, trying to dry out my socks before my History of the Old Testament class, and then the loooong walk back to the dorm. Maybe I can convince one of my dorm mates (that is not a word, but you get the idea) to make me some more delicious Grog tonight. I never understood the virtues of hot liquor drinks until I got here.
I was told this week that basically I am stupid for not knowing how to speak Russian yet, and that I should keep my motivations for coming to Lithuania a secret from Lithuanians because it will piss them off. It was really embarrassing, and it made me feel like I was making some mistake in being here, but mostly it just pissed me off for a few days. Who the hell is HE to tell me that I should be at a certain point in my language studies?! and! why SHOULDN’T I tell people that I am here to study Russian and Postcolonialism in the literature of the Baltics. If it pisses people off, that is not my problem! Once I got over the initial anger (well, mostly over, looking at the last few sentences, I am still holding a minor grudge), I came to the following realizations: I got embarrassed, and I didn’t die. I was questioned, and it forced me to evaluate and defend the things that I am doing with my life. I spoke Russian, and it sucked, but I SPOKE RUSSIAN in a social setting. I am studying harder than ever in the language, because I want to be able to do better next time. I have set a date of the 1st of next month to be able to communicate with people who I know speak Russian entirely in Russian. (Except for THAT GUY. He gets English because he is judgy).
In class today I made a mistake so stupid that it made me laugh and the teacher told me that I should take my laugh to the hospital because it would make everyone feel better. A friend told me last week that my laugh is like sunshine on these rainy days. Now I just need to remember that in situations like the one above so that I can use my laughter to make myself feel better.
It’s fall in Vilnius. Fall here is not like at home, it’s all rain and cold during the day, warm at night. The city is covered in leaves and in horse chestnuts (which a friend of mine is constantly putting in his pockets and forgetting about only to find them days later). None of the buildings have turned their heat on; it’s all centrally controlled, apparently a relic from Soviet times. Depending on who you ask, the heat will be on today or weeks from now, based on some absurd mathematical calculation.
Last night, I introduced five international students (from France, Poland, Hungary, Pakistan, and China (I think)) to the beautiful American food that is tacos. I had to teach them how to assemble them and they were the weirdest tacos I have ever had, but everyone loved them. My Pakistani neighbor loved them so much that he told me he loved me.
Afterwards, we went on a pub crawl. First we went to the mall (seriously) that has a pool club on top. I kicked ass the first two games, and then the Germans showed me how it was done. We met a very lost woman from Ireland on the White Bridge on the way back to Old Town, and gave her the best directions that we could (read: not very good). Then we went to a bar called Chaplin, where they force the waitstaff to wear suspenders. Then, to a club on the top floor of a bank (or a casino, it’s not entirely clear what else is in the building) that was chock full of very drunk Lithuanian children (seriously, they looked like they were in high school… which means they were too young, or I am getting old). There was a cover for men, and because we avoid cover charges like the plague that they are, we ended up in a basement club that is based entirely around foosball. Seriously. People bring their own handlebar tape for the tables, it is a serious business. I am incredibly bad at foosball. 90% of the goals I made were on my own team. Somehow that didn’t stop the boys from getting wicked competitive with each other. Then… we went to another basement club called Pogo. It was nice, and the drinks are cheap, they apparently have live music. Just the place for an aging punk rocker on a budget.
Academically, things are going well. I am starting to gather ideas for my semester papers, and the topics are interesting, so I think I am on track there. My Ashkenazic Jewish Civilization and History of the Old Testament classes are super interesting. You have to love an internationally-acclaimed biblical scholar from Brooklyn who says goddamn all the time in class, and makes fun of King David for being a mafioso. I am not getting credit for the Bible class, but I think it is good for me. I am still mired in a small spiritual crisis, and dealing with things academically might give me some clarity on that front. They were having a Sukkot festival in the park this week. Those men can dance. There was one old guy who was dancing to beat the band, and he was probably eighty and walking with a cane. What a way to praise God, I say.
I should have taken pictures, but I feel weird whipping out my camera and taking pictures of strangers. Shit, I feel weird taking pictures of my friends. Last night, Marie got some of me with the various people that I have been spending time with… hopefully I will be able to find them so that I can at least have one or two photos with people in them from my time here.
It’s been a month since I arrived in Vilnius. A month and a day since I looked back at my Dad standing on the other side of security and said goodbye to Pocatello. I have adjusted to living in a communal space, in a city that I don’t know, with people that I hadn’t ever even talked to before a month ago. It feels good. Even when it feels lonely, like no one will ever really know me here.
Instead of traveling this weekend, I decided to stay home. Mostly because I am trying to recover from the cold of imminent death, and I am already behind in my history reading. Also because I have been neglecting my alone time, and since I am possibly getting a roommate this week I should take it while I can. I really enjoy spending time with people here, but I also need the balance that I get from simply staying home and keeping my own company. I guess I am not your typical ERASMUS student, who knew? (Maybe the Portuguese girl who exclaimed “You are HOW OLD?!” when I told her my age on the walk home on Friday.)
I haven’t done any serious sightseeing this week, although I did stop in at the souvenir shop in Uzupis and buy myself a sweet aluminum mug with cartoon Uzupis on it. I was in classes all week, and I tried to party with the kids, which made me a hungover mess for two of the days. I am glad that the intensity of it all has dialed down a little, I welcome the coming of routine and expectations.
Man, I wish I had something funny to post today… maybe it is the sad weather getting to me already.
lots of new pictures up at flickr.com/charissabrammer.
FINALLY figured out how to get the dormitory network to allow me to upload photos. yay!
